Ambien. No doubt about it.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
