i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
