i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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