WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Randomize
