my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Someone came in the potted fern
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
