Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
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