My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
