Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
