I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Randomize
