Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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