did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
