Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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