I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize
