can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
