I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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