So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
