I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
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