Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Randomize
