I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
