Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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