why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
