Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
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