If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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