I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize