I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
