i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
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