I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
