And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
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