Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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