my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I need to sanitize my soul.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
