I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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