I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
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