the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
