My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
