There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Randomize
