pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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