Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
