Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
