I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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