I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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