i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
