I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Randomize
