Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
