Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
