I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
You did what with his pubic hair?
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