I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
