Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
