I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
