somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
