You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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