1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
lol hangovers are for mortals.
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