loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
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