I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Randomize