I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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