well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
