The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
