Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
