You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Where are you guys?
Drunk
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
