you would pick up someone in the library
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
