In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Randomize
