i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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