R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Randomize
