Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Randomize
