I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
