Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
