I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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