did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
it's great music for shaving your balls
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Randomize